Zero Punctuation Crysis Review

Of late, there’s been no better place to go for a quick review of the latest games than Yahtzee. His review of Crysis (Escapist Magazine) is a beauty.

The plot is summed as follows:

“Your task is to infiltrate some island in the South Pacific and slaughter Koreans. There’s probably more to it than that, but I found it hard to sympathize with the heroes when they’re using expensive, top-of-the-range hardware and are backed up by the entire armed forces of the entire United States while most of the enemy have to make do with war-time machine guns and harsh language.”

The hardware requirements are described thusly:

“Crysis is apparently designed for some hypothetical future computer. From space. I played it on a brand-new gaming PC that resembled the monolith from 2001 constructed from obsidian by the proud dwarves of Middle Earth and it still chugged when things got busy.[1]”

The fun continued with vehicles:

“It’s a somewhat above-average, first-person shooter. Until you get into a vehicle, that is. And then it becomes an adventure into annoyance and failure. Every single one handles like a three-legged mule and occupying one during battle is like occupying a pile of gasoline and matches that explodes when the enemy so much as coughs at it. … There is one section near the end where you’re forced to pilot a futuristic helicopter jobbie and well: imagine that you’ve just woken from a twenty-year coma, celebrated the occasion by drinking six bottles of Mad Dog 2020, then were called upon to pilot a light aircraft bearing a cargo of hippopatami.[2] And they expect you to enter dogfights with this thing; that’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube with your elbows.”