Bad, bad jokes
I just read through a list of offensive jokes (Reddit). Here are, in no particular order, the ones I thought you would enjoy; your mileage may vary and don’t judge me.
Q. What do 50,000 battered women have in common?
A. They don’t fucking listen.
Adolf Hitler and Josef Mengele are sitting in a bar when Hitler turns towards a stranger and says: “I planning to deport and kill 16 million jews and 1 clown”. The stranger then replies: “why deport and kill the clown?”. Hitler turns to Josef and says “See Josef, nobody cares about the jews”.
Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. The mosquito stops sucking when it gets smacked.
Q. Why did God create yeast infections?
A. So women would know what it’s like to live with an irritating Cunt .
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. What’s the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives’ shelter?
A. The dishes, if she knows what’s fucking good for her
Q. What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A. A fast learner
Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing, you told her twice already.
Husband and wife are at it in their bedroom, when the man notices that their son is at the door, watching them, with shock and disgust on his face. He runs off. The dad follows his son to his room to talk to him. He opens the door and sees his son banging grandma.
The son then turns to the father and says, “It’s not so fun when it’s your mom, is it?”
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.
The teacher says, ‘Save the children!’
The lawyer yells, ‘FUCK THE CHILDREN!’
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, ‘Is there time?’
Q. How long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
A. I dunno, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
Q. What is the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina?
A. Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded.
I was out for a hike one day when I found a young boy at the top of a cliff, all alone and crying.
“Hey kid, why are you crying?” I asked.
“Mister, my mommy’s all the way down there at the bottom of the cliff! sniff”
“Oh no…”
sniff “She fell! And my daddy tried to catch her and he fell too!”
I put a hand on his little shoulder. We had a quiet moment there, the two of us, alone, at the top of the cliff.
Then the little boy said, “Mister, why are you unbuckling your belt?”
“Sorry kid. Today’s just not your day.”
Q. Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
A. Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Two black guys are walking down the street. They see a sign on a storefront that says “We’ll make you white for only 99 cents!”
They look at each and decide that it sounds like a great deal, they had always wanted to escape the racism they faced as black men. They start digging in their pockets for money. The first friend pulls out a dollar bill and the second friend has only 98 cents.
“I have an idea” says the man with 98 cents. “You go in and get the operation and when you come out, you give me the penny you get back as change.”
“Good idea!”, his friend replies, and enters the store as the other man waits out front.
Thirty minutes later, the first friend exits the store as a white man in business suit.
“Wow! It worked!” the black man says to his friend. “How about that penny?”
The newly changed white man says with a disgusted look on his face, “Get a job, nigger!”, and walks off.
An elderly man takes his wife to see a doctor.
“Doctor! You need to help me, I can’t remember if my wife has Alzheimer’s or AIDS! What do I do?”
The doctor replies, “Well that’s easily solved. Take her for a drive into the middle of the forest, and leave her there.”
The elderly man was confused, “How will that help?” he asked.
To which the doctor replied, “If she comes home, DON’T FUCK HER!!”
Q. What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
A. If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’ll hate it as an adult.
A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian’s shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: “Do you want to buy a caterpillar?”
Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!”
She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you fucker!”
He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, ‘fuck off it’ll be too painful.‘”
Q. What’s al Qaeda’s favorite football team?
A. The New York Jets.
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, “I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”
The woman then asks, “What do think of me now?”
The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body.
Finally, he answers, “I think I did a pretty good job.”
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..
“What’s your name?”, asked the teacher.
“Mohammad,” he replied.
“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “so from now on you will be known as Mick.”
Mohammad returned home after school.
“How was your day, Mohammad?” his mother asked.
“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mick.”
“Are you ashamed of your name?” his mother asked. “Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.
“What happened to you, Mick?” she asked.
“Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the West Coast and the other on the East Coast. During their goodbyes, they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.
Two months pass and they meet again.
“Ismael! It’s so good to see you. Take a look. I have a Ford 350 dually 4x4 with lifts and a sticker of a cartoon character pissing on the Chevy symbol. It has a gun rack in the back and my son needs a step ladder to get in. Have you seen him?! He loves McDonalds and he’s already gained 25 pounds! My wife watches Maury and smokes and follows all these Facebook groups. She won’t even vaccinate my baby girl. I surely won the bet!”
His brother looks at him for a few long seconds.
“Shut the fuck up, towel-head”
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream. He creeps up, then jumps him and has his way with him. He takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla reaches the camp, grabs some a shirt, pants, and hat from a clothesline, and drops into a chair by the campfire. He snatches a copy of the local paper and unfolds it to cover up his face .
The lion reaches the campsite and lets out a huge roar, yelling, “did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla responds, “you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”