Some good, American comedians

Published by marco on

There are a ton of comedians that everyone talks about, like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and so on. I was talking to some friends in Switzerland who are very much into stand-up comedy and they asked for some suggestions.

We talked about a few comedians—Bill Hicks, Bill Burr, and Doug Stanhope—that they might want to try. They all have good insight into the human condition and don’t shy away from describing humanity as it actually is, rather than how we wish it were.

I started off more sparse, then went down an absolute rabbit hole researching Bill Burr—with copious and details notes and transcripts of several hour-long shows—then got sad that I’d not done the same honor to the other comedians on the list.

I saw a gaping hole where the “George Carlin” section was, got frustrated, and then left it for about three months. I ended up moving Bill Burr to the end; don’t skip that. He’s pound-for-pound a definite candidate for the GOAT.

George Carlin

George Carlin definitely belongs on here, but I only had the energy to dig out a quote from an older article.

“Americans are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. Shopping – it’s their civic duty. Consumption – it’s the new national pasttime. Fuck baseball. The only true lasting American value that’s left is buyin’ things. People spending money they don’t have on things that they don’t need,” which also applies to their government.”

You can find a ton of his stuff on YouTube.

Richard Pryor

When I watched Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1978) in 2016, it was at this link, but the video has been removed.. I’m pretty sure the link above is the one I watched, but I’m not sure. It’s audio only, but its 82 minutes long, which seems about right. It’s a shame there’s no video because he’s a very expressive comedian.

Live in Concert by Richard Pryor (YouTube)

Bill Hicks

He died in 1994 of pancreatic cancer before the drinking or smoking could kill him.
He has four albums; they’re worth listening to as albums because he has nice segue music and the bits are related; there’s a rhythm.
Material dates from the late 80s to right up until he died.
A lot of it is timeless.
Particularly his bits on the Iraq war. You know he’s talking about the first one, but damned if it doesn’t sound like he’s talking about the second one, too. Time is a wheel.
Some of his albums are on YouTube, like Relentless (1992).

Doug Stanhope

He’s the filthiest of all of these comedians.
He’s still doing standup.
He’s not dead yet, despite drinking and smoking enough for ten people.
Some of his stuff in on YouTube.
A lot of it is on the music services (YouTube and Apple Music).
- Maybe start with something like The Funny Thing About Child Porn from the album From Across the Street.

Norm Macdonald

Norm MacDonald was an interesting guy, with a very different delivery. His book Based on a True Story: Not a Memoir is well-worth checking out. The video is of what I believe to be his best joke. There is a ton of material on YouTube, as well as Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (Netflix) and Norm MacDonald has a show (Netflix).

Moth Joke by Norm McDonald (YouTube)

Chris Rock

This is Rock’s timeless bit that he performed only once, according to Niggas vs. Black People (Wikipedia) and Bring the Pain (Wikipedia).

Niggas Vs. Black People by Chris Rock on June 1, 1996 (YouTube)

Bill Burr

Also still doing standup
Bill Burr is kind of my spirit animal. Money quote: “To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I’m just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.”
This is repeated further down the list, but start here. This is what I consider to be possibly the best 4 minutes of standup I know: Bill Burr: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Probably the funniest off-the-cuff (not material prepared) comedian I’ve ever seen
- This is two hours of what seems like a Bill Burr stand-up routine, but is just an on-stage and lightly prepared version of his weekly podcast. He has a little piece of paper to remind him of topics he wanted to cover—probably the same as he does every week. He just throws out a pretty good set—just like that.
  
  Bill Burr: Live at the Troubadour 3 | the Monday Morning Podcast by Bill Burr on September 2, 2023 (YouTube)
  
  “Offstage: [reading listener chats] …well, you’ve already talked about the Fed, Fatties, and Botox, so that’s good…
  Bill: So what? Is Skynyrd not going to play Freebird?”
  
  “I’ll tell you this: the day American black people care about soccer, that is the end of all of you.”
  At 80:00, he goes on a glorious run about women’s volleyball and the booty shorts.
  
  “Can I be honest with you? That’s why, you know, like, when they started doing that thing where they were going to have trans people going to school? […] Like, that’s why I was against that shit. Like, wait a minute…you haven’t even figured out how to do the right version heterosexually. You know what I mean? […] All they did was just tell you what happened physically. […]
  
  “There should have been a guy there going YOUR FUCKING LIFE WILL BE OVER. AS YOU KNOW IT. DO YOU KNOW WHY PUSSY FEELS SO GOOD? BECAUSE IF IT ONLY FELT OK, WE WOULD JUST JERK OFF BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T BE WORTH IT.
  
  “Finding a woman can be the greatest thing of your fucking life. OR END IT. That’s what they should have been screaming at people.”
- The Joe Rogan Experience: End of the World Podcast 2016: Election night special (IMDb) (which has since been removed or made Spotify-only, or whatever)
He has a podcast
Lots of stuff on YouTube
He has several specials on Netflix and YouTube
In descending order of my preference
- I’m Sorry You Feel That Way (2014)
- You People Are All the Same (2012)
- Why Do I Do This? (2008)
  
  At 16:45,
  
  “I love old people. There’s always there, with their family photos. It cracks me up. And they’re all proud. ‘Well, we had five kids, and then they all had five kids. […]’ Yeah! And none of you did shit! I don’t recognize anybody in that photo. You just made thirty people, who are all taking a shit every day, that ends up in a river. That’s not a family photo—that’s an environmental disaster. And you framed it!”
  At 24:20,
  
  “No. They’re relentless. They never stop. And there’s no reason for them to stop. You know why? ‘Cause you can’t hit ‘em. That’s what it is. Think about that. There’s no physical ramifications for being an asshole when you’re a woman. Do you know how much of a dick I would be if it was socially unacceptable to kick the shit out of me? Dude, I would be trashing everyone I saw.”
  At 42:50,
  
  “I’m telling you, man, … that’s the funny about Hitler. Just let me finish. Just let me work my way through this idea. My favorite sports clip is that Jesse Owens shit. I just love it because their [Nazis’] whole angle was fucked up … he made Hitler leave in the third quarter, right? He’s putting down his #1 finger and just fucking walking out of the stadium, like [Hitler saying] ‘Jesus Christ!’
  
  “Their whole thing was like, ‘Ve are going to create a superior race!’ It’s like, dude, I think we accidentally already did that. It’s like we sent a select group of people to the gym every day for a couple of hundred years and it’s paying dividends. They’re dunking on us every day.
  
  “Dude, how quiet was that limo ride home with Hitler? You know he was talking crazy shit when they were on the way there: ‘Ve are going to DOMINATE! SIEG HEIL!’ Just going off. That whole ride home, they’re just sitting there, all quiet. You’re sitting next to an even angrier than usual Adolf Hitler, trying to make some sort of small talk.”
  
  At 48:15, there’s a visual bit about what “separates the psychos from the functioning psychos,” where he discusses the pros and cons of being a serial killer. Transcription doesn’t do any of these justice, but this one is not transcribable.
- Let It Go (2010)
  
  At 5:00,
  
  “And she does the most difficult job of all: being a mother. […] Dude, women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how hard their lives are—and no-one corrects them because they all want to fuck ‘em.”
  At 12:45,
  
  “You know what I hate about these corporate chains? You go in there, you’re paying for a business, they make you do half the job, though. I don’t get it.
  
  “Like, I walk in, say, let me get a turkey sandwich, lettuce, tomato, on rye, with mayonnaise.
  
  “The guy behind the counter’s like ‘turkey sandwich, lettuce, tomato, on rye’.
  
  “Yeah, and mayonnaise.
  
  “‘Oh, the mayonnaise is, uh, right over there.’
  
  “Really? Well then why don’t you, UH, go over there and put it on my sandwich? You get it? I’m on this side of the register. Guy who’s orders the sandwich [points to self], guy who makes the sandwich [points away]. I’m sorry they fired the mayonnaise guy, but I’m not doing it! I just gave you 100% of the money to make 100% of the sandwich. This isn’t like a relay race. Do you recognize me? It’s because I don’t fucking work here!
  
  “I just wanted to grab this guy by the throat and say ‘where is he!? Where is he?!’
  
  “‘Where’s who?’
  
  “The guy making me do all of this extra shit. I’d just choke my way up the corporate ladder, until I get to that “Eyes Wide Shut” party and everybody’s sitting there, getting blown. I come in and just kick the door open. The second they see my angry face, I don’t even have to explain myself. ‘How big’s your fucking yacht gotta be?’”
  
  At 20:10,
  
  “Do you know how many times a week people asking me why I’m angry? I’m not angry. I’m passionate about my opinions and I want you to hear all of them before you get to talk again.”
  At 23:40,
  
  “It’s just it scares me, you know, I just get nervous. When I see that stereotypical married guy, just like a shell of my former self. You know, every weekend, up on that silver ladder, just scooping shit out of the gutters. My neighbor coming over, you know,
  
  “[neighbor] ‘Hey Bill, how’s it going?’
  
  “Aw, you know, pretty good, pretty good. Suzie keeps getting bigger, you know. I’ve been wearing this shirt for eleven years, I don’t know what happened to my dreams, you know, I just like coming up here ‘cause it’s quiet, you know, I just stand up here and think about what might have been, Yeah.
  
  “My neighbor’s not even listening to me. He’s all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He’s convinced it was designed by NASA.
  
  “[neighbor] ‘Actually, it’s got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the cold.
  
  “Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney, so we can tandem jump off of this roof?”
  
  At 30:05,
  
  “All right. This is how it works with guys. Anytime you do something remotely sensitive, heartwarming, anything that’s going to make you more of a loving, caring individual, immediately all of your guy friends suggest that maybe, just maybe, you want to suck a dick.
  
  “Oh, it’s brutal. Even if you do something smart. Like, it’s raining outside. ‘He’s got an umbrella. WHAT A FAG. OMG. What are you? Afraid of the water? Put your shoulder up, you fuckin’ homo. Jesus Christ. What, did you pull that thing out of your ass? Oh, it’s brutal. It doesn’t even have to make sense.
  
  “Dude, ‘what are you, a fag?” is the reason why guys drop at 55, out of nowhere, it’s literally from five decades of just suppressing the urge to hug a puppy, admit a baby’s cute, say you want a cookie. You just gotta keep PUSHING IT DOWN.”
  
  It just keeps going (again visual, untranscribable; just watch it).
  
  At 40:45,
  
  “I’m telling you, whatever they’re doing to dogs, they’re going to be doing to us in like ten years. They [dogs] got those six microchips with their balls cut off. I’m telling you.
  
  “That’s what you’re going to hear in the future. Dude, did you hear about Eddie? Aw, they turned his chip off man! Dude, the guy’s fucked! He is fucked! He made one little joke about the government, next thing you know, when he had to buy a round, his head wouldn’t go through [mimes trying to swipe forehead like a credit card] They kept scanning it. Nothing! He’s outside, screaming up at a satellite. Awww…turn it back on! They’re not turnin’ it back on. The dude’s fucked. The dude is fucked. Dude, I ain’t standin’ next to him, they’re going to shut my chip off. I don’t even know that guy.”
  
  At 42:00, a great, long tirade on conspiracy theories and how bankers run the world. “What’s the difference between a banker and a loan shark? What the banker does is legal.”