ESC 2024: Semifinal #1

Cyprus

Dances way better than Dua Lipa. But, then, doesn’t everybody? She’s 17 and lip-synced in English. Her backup dancers all look like they go to high school with her. She’s very, very cute. Gorgeous, actually. And, for ESC very special: not in a porn-y way. Good for them.

Serbia

Alone on the stage. Goth-y. Low, slow song. She sang in what I assume was Serbian. She was barefoot. Utterly forgettable. We won’t have to hear her again.

Lithuania

Not English. Rappy. Boys got some backup singers/dancers with him. Driving beat. The backup dancers are dressed as ninjas. Generic euro-pop. I don’t even know why they bother.

Ireland

Bambie Thug AKA The WitchGoth metal. She’s non-binary. Lots of feathers. Long, crazy nails. “Schnallet euch an”. Getting some serious Marilyn Manson/Malificent vibes from her. Her backup dancer is pretty awesome. He’s got tattoos, filed teeth, body modifications. She’s contorted and standing in a pentagram. This is f&@king awesome. It’s a lovely, gentle chorus, then she drops her whole costume and starts exorcising her writhing dancer. The strobe lights are crazy. The show ends with a soul-rending scream and driving Nine Inch Nails beat. A flaming sign that says Crown the Witch ends the show. “Mir bruched e schnaufpause nachem Ireland.” She sang in screams and English.

England

He doesn’t even have to try because he’s apparently already guaranteed a spot in the final. His voice is really weak. This is super-gay. Like, literally. It’s not just homosexual overtones. They’re all dressed as a bunch of boxers. The backup dancers are good; he’s not. He dances like Dua Lipa. Since they said he’d give up his acting career, and he can neither sing nor dance, how do you describe that? What’s the opposite of a triple-threat? Good thing he’s already qualified, so we can see him again. He’s sporting a codpiece almost as big as Cameo’s was. He obviously sang in English.

Ukraine

There are two of them, but I only see one for the first minute of the song. She’s singing in Ukrainian. This song is trash. They’re hiding the big one. Where is she? Under the rock? Oh here she is. Samurai topknot. Oh, and she’s a rapper. Even better. I can’t understand a word she’s saying, but her enunciation is precise as hell. Not like this mumble-rapping we have these days. Still trash. Next!

Poland

She’s singing in English. Weak voice. She looks like she stole Gary Oldman’s Dracula costume. Whoops—that’s gone. Now she looks like someone from Buck Rogers. Her song has only one chord, but at least it has a chorus, which, like, most of the songs in the Spotify top-ten don’t bother having. This would be a good song if I were 11 years old. As usual, the dancers steal the show. I would turn this off if it came on the radio, though, NGL. Because you can’t see the dancers on the radio.

Croatia

Dude’s name is Baby Lasagna. He’s singing in English. Rustic costumes. Rap-rock-folk style. Drummer on stage. Crazy dancers. Good chorus, Good bridge. Real guitar and bass. A keyboardist. A band! It’s pretty generic rock, but they’re entertaining. The camera is way too nervous. They command the stage. “E bittzli vo Ramstei inspiriert” Nein, nöd wirklich.

Iceland

Alone on stage. Singing in English. Holy shit, has she had work done. Cheek fillers. Eye work. Lots of gold lamé and frills. No backup dancers to save her, though. This is the kind of music that people will never notice has been replaced by AI because it always sucked. Making it with AI would lift it up to mediocre.

Germany

He’s singing in English. He’s next to a barrel. It’s on fire. I kind of like that he’s doing his own echoes. He likes fire. He’s not bad. He’s automatically in. The music’s pretty weak. Give him a good band and he’d be way better. Put him in front of a Journey-tribute group and now we’re talking. Nun singt er auf Deutsch. Very confusing. There are some backup singers on stage, but they are very far away. Maybe they’re afraid of fire.

Slovenia

She has, apparently been accused of being a witch. I’m not surprised. She’s skinny, has long, blond hair, has a ton of makeup on, and is lying nearly naked on the stage. Just kidding. She has a body suit on. Her backup dancers are wearing a lot less. She’s singing in what I can only assume is Slovenian. They’re going for a kind of zombified thing, I think. Her voice is reasonable, but the music is just so generic. In the words of my partner: No.

Finland

Their band is also super-gay—like over-the-top gay. They are called Windows95Man. He started off looking like the gayest Brad Pitt ever, in cutoff jean-shorts. Now he’s wearing even less. I don’t think he’s actually wearing pants. He has a thong on. They keep blocking the view. I think he’s going for a Finnish Weird Al thing. They are lowering the jean shorts from the ceiling. The song is trash, but this whole show is pretty entertaining. They sang in English.

Moldova

She’s alone on stage, singing in English. She’s got a bit of an accent. She’s “afwaid”. Her chorus is in Moldovan, I believe. There’s not much to say about this one. She’s wearing some of a Heraclitean dress—probably designed by a relative. Oh, she’s playing a violin now. Now she’s doing the Fifth Element opera barking thing.

Sweden

Two guys. Singing in English, obviously. Their voices are not good. Just teeny-pop stuff. Like, if you think music in Mallorca is good in the summer, then you’ll probably like this song. You’ll probably clap your hands off, like all of the fools in the crowd. Their song is probably called She’s Unforgettable…but their song is not. I’m sure Sweden thinks that sending a couple of young guys will make the panties drop to the floor, but it’s trash. Their background should come with an epilepsy warning. Good thing these two dipshits are already qualified.

Azerbaijan

Two dudes. First guy’s on stage by himself, singing in English. Second guy showed up. His warbling is pretty good, actually. The song’s kind of meh, though, when the warbler’s chorus isn’t going. This wasn’t very good.

Australia

Their voice is pretty good. There’s a keyboardist on stage. The focus in on the singer. The keyboardist also sings. He shouldn’t. Are they a couple? I guess it doesn’t matter. Some more random people showed up on stage. Are they singing? Are they dancing? They’re not really dancing. Australia’s genocide is in the past, so there’s no controversy about them participating.

Portugal

She’s singing in Portugese. Slow, now accompanied by a guitar and bass (not on stage). She’s not bad. Her backup dancers have gimp masks on. Like, again. Like, half of the backup dancers have had gimp masks on. What’s up with the gimp masks? Am I missing something? The song started off OK, but it’s not really my thing. I would switch it if it came on the radio.

Luxembourg

She’s singing in French and then a bit in English. I’m kind of a sucker for acoustic-guitar-accompanied chanson. But it’s just the intro. She dances like Dua Lipa. Like, not good. Her voice is decent. Her backup dancers are kind of uninspiring. She’s quite cute, though. Two long, long pigtails. They’re fake, of course. She should have stuck to the chanson in French instead of going to the generic ESC-style pop-beat track she ended up with.

Russia

Just kidding. Obviously Russia can’t come. They’re savages, uniquely evil in the world. Up next: Israel!

Israel

Just kidding. They’re up on Thursday. They’re not savages like those filthy Russians, so they’re allowed to participate.

Send Croatia and the Irish witch (obviously). Maybe Luxembourg? The hot girl from Cyprus? Otherwise, I don’t care who they send. #sendthewitch, though.

They ended up sending Serbia, Portugal, Slovenia, Ukraine, Lithuania, Finland … and then finally the four I noted above: Cyprus, Croatia, Ireland, Luxembourg.