ESC 2024: Semifinal #2

Malta

Body suit. Naked-looking. Getting dragged around by a bunch of 90s-era-looking background dancers. This is just f*%ing awful. My ears hate me already. Jesus Christ, anyone who thinks this is good should reevaluate their life choices. This is how we’re starting off? No-one will notice when the robots take over. They’ve blindfolded her, flipped her around, they all threw their shorts off, now they’re porn-dancing. She’s got quite a Madonna-style tooth-gap going on. Good for her. There was a bit of dubstep in there, as well as about five other music styles. “Duume druckä für die schöni Zahlückä.”

Albania

She’s singing in English. She thinks she’s Adele? There’s a single hairless dancer flailing about. More dancers on the stage. Now she’s switched to a more R&B-style. There is nothing remotely recognizably Albanian about this presentation. I mean, I guess it’s great that they have so many black people to send to the show? I wouldn’t have suspected it, but that’s on me and my latent judgyness. She’s definitely going to move on, though, because she’s got giant, squishy cleavage.

Greece

She’s singing in what I assume is Greek. Now she’s rapping in English. Her performance is very, very jerky, with a lot of TikTok-camera stuff going on. She’s back in Greek? This is even worse than Malta. It’s hard to watch. It’s even harder to listen to. It’s like a robot made this music. “Make a song in the style of Greek music, but with rapping.”

Switzerland

I’m gonna go ahead and assume that Nemo is not going to cover himself in glory. I hate him already, just from his stupid intro. He’s wearing a skirt, a feather boa, and clown shoes. Here we go. It’s just him on stage. OMG he’s rapping now. This is more energetic than Switzerland has been since DJ Bobo. It’s still a terrible song. But goddamned if it’s not growing on me. They’re (singular they) singing in English, in case that wasn’t already obvious. It would have been much better in Swiss German. This is 100% ESC. It’s super-generic, but his gender-ambiguity is going to rocket him to the top. His voice isn’t bad, NGL.

Czechia

She’s singing in English. There are a bunch of people dancing on the stage. It’s a pop-rock song. This is also an algorithmically guaranteed music style. She’ll be moving on, even though the music is super-anodyne. They (multiple they. God this is tedious) also like fire. The part that gets me is that there are so many people clapping to the music. And, just when you think it’s fake, they show the crowd going f&@king nuts, just going on a tear, out of their heads with excitement. She does a long note, just like every, single, other person so far.

France

You know that France is going to sing in French. Algerian dude is sleepy. He’s lying on the stage. Lazy. Unsurprising. He has a nice voice, actually. Falsetto. Camera’s very close, but he’s a pretty boy. Ladies are going to eat this up. The camerawork is annoying as hell, though. Just swaying all over the place. This is not really my style of music, but he’s very good. He’s got good charisma on stage. My partner: “He’s definitely the best of the pre-qualifieds.” To be clear: “The other ones of the prequalifieds were trash.”

Austria

She’s dressed up like Assassin’s Creed. She lost the robe within 20 seconds. She’s singing in English. She’s got video-game-style thigh-high boots on. It’s just generic techno with the same hook that every damned techno song has. The chorus is “We will rave.” How original. Just go listen to any Lords of Acid song and listen to how infinitely much better it is than this pale shadow. She’ll probably make the final, because of the Memberberries effect and because she’s tall and blonde and nearly naked.

Denmark

A black lesbian with psychological problems (if I interpreted the voiceover and intro video correctly). She’s singing in English. It’s nice to see that she can sing the same exact generic song as everyone else. Equality FTW. 🙌 You’ve come a long way, baby.

Armenia

Traditional band with a balalaika and a trumpet. She’s singing in what I assume in Armenian, although most of the lyrics are lalalalalala. They’re wicked fun. This is classic, 20th-century ESC. There’s a drum kit, a saxophone, a flute. They’ve got good energy. They’re not going to make it, of course. I’ve always liked this style of music, though. I wouldn’t change the radio station.

Latvia

He’s singing in English. He’s also dressed up in what looks like a blue, superhero suit. This song is pretty boring. It doesn’t go anywhere. He’s just reading a poem. His voice is decent, though. He doesn’t have the stage presence of Salimane from France, though.

Spain

An older couple sings in Spanish. They don’t know how old they are. The dude is playing a key-tar. Points for that, I guess. They keep focusing on the 60-year-old woman in a skintight bodysuit, though. She has two androgynous guys dancing with her. They’ve shucked most of their clothes now. They’re dancing in corsets and thongs and a ton of mascara. They’re not showing the keytarist enough. In fairness, the camera is loving the athletic, acrobatic guys in thongs and fishnet stockings. There’s also a lady playing an electronic drumkit. The song sucked.

San Marino

There are six of them. That’s like half the population. They’re pretty goth. Let’s see where this goes. She’s dressed as a pink Godzilla. There are two dancers dressed up like evil bunnies. Pink is the theme color. Everyone’s wearing a fur suit of some sort. They’re pretty charismatic. The lead singer has tattoos all over her. She’s singing in what sounds like Spanish, but might be the local dialect. The song’s not great. It tries to be heavy metal. It’s a good show, though. Like nearly every other performer, she takes off most of her clothes before she’s done.

Georgia

OMG I’m so pretty. Look! I made a heart with my fingers. She’s singing in English. Her song sounds like 90% of the other ESC songs. She has a bunch of energetic backup dancers, all male. None of them are wearing thongs or fishnets, so why am I watching? Correction: they’re wearing long, dervish pants, so they might have fishnets and thongs under them, but I can’t see them. Why am I so focused on the dancers? Because the song sucks. And the lady’s totally generic. She is, however, just like the terrible Swedish singer who won last year, so maybe she’s onto something. How do many of the people in the crowd already know the words? Have they voluntarily listened to this already?

Belgium

Who’s this bellend? White guy with white-blond hair in a white suit singing English. Awful. Next.

Estonia

Two guys singing in what I can only assume is Estonian. There are four other dudes playing various instruments. I think one of them might be a zither. It’s a generic beat. They rap-sing to it. Lots of shouting and exhortations to the crowd. No statuesque blonde. No be-thonged homosexuals. They’re not moving on.

Italy

Italy sent a generic singer with a passel of background dancers. “Body-positive dancers,” as my partner called them. They have a lot of detail on their costumes and lots of detail in the backdrops. She’s singing in Italian. It’s not a good song, but it’s better because it’s in Italian. Lots of pyrotechnics. It doesn’t matter how generic they are because Italy is automatically qualified.

Israel

She’s singing in English that’s bad enough that I had to listen hard to be sure it wasn’t Hebrew. When she didn’t sound like she was clearing her throat, I figured it was English. She’s in a circle, with a bunch of acrobats hanging on it. It’s a terrible song. So generic. The dancing is sub-par. I honestly can’t imagine that they’ll move on. Long notes. Obviously. Ah, at the end, she sang a few stanzas in Hebrew.

Norway

A band singing in Norwegian and playing what look like traditional instruments. OK, there’s a guitar, a bass, and a drumkit. You can’t really hear much of that. It’s mostly the lead singer (female). It’s just the same f&@king song everyone else has already played. It’s just in Norwegian. This is trash.

Netherlands

This dipshit. Jesus, no. There are two keyboards on stage. He started in Dutch, then switched to English. I think the chorus is in Dutch. This is one of those, “I know that my song is shit, but the lyrics are up on the wall, so sing along.” This is maximum ESC, though. He sang a verse in German. I think it’s meta because he keeps talking about what he’s doing on stage right now? This is not a song. It’s an assault on the ears. My partner, as they’re falling asleep: “The chicken dances.” Yeah, there’s a giant blue chicken with the EU flag on its belly on the stage. Jesus wept.

France and Armenia should move on, I think. Probably Switzerland, too. Why not? France is already in, so I guess just Armenia and Switzerland.

Who’s actually going? Latvia, Austria, Netherlands, Norway, Israel, Greece, Estonia, Switzerland, Armenia.

Israel is going. Nothing can stop them. Not even a spectacularly shitty song. Not even an ongoing genocide. Not even kettling 1.5M people into a spit of land and then carpet-bombing and starving them. And people are whining that student protests are changing the narrative? Not for all of Europe. They still love Israel.