Your friendly neighborhood newsreader #1

I was sent this article by my vast network of correspondents: Chicago gangs clash with Venezuelan Tren de Aragua members: ‘Blacks against migrants’ by Michael Lee (FOX News).

Let’s do some fun and quick and pretty easy analysis here.

The title slug is pretty provocative: “GANGS CLASH”.

Did they, though? Clash?

Let’s see what the article has to say! They spent time writing it, so let’s do them the honor of reading it.

Don’t worry, we don’t have to read far.

The very first paragraph writes,

“Venezuelan migrants moving into Chicago’s South Side have caught the attention of the city’s gangs, with some fearing an impending turf war between local gangs and their Venezuelan counterparts.”

Oho!

No clashes.

Instead, there’s “fear of an impending turf war” just because people moved into a neighborhood.

Are you kidding me? We’re supposed to get our feathers ruffled over this?

GIVE ME SOME BLOOD, BABY. I WANNA SEE SOME GOOD CLASHIN’.

The article does helpfully include this image, though:

Gang graffiti is scribbled on a sign in the Lawndale neighborhood in Chicago

Oooo…scary graffiti! LOOK AT IT IT”S HORRIFYING.

Dude, my train station in Switzerland has more graffiti with idiotic supporters of FCZ and GCZ having a “turf war” over whose soccer team is the most awesomest. Maybe FOX News should be covering that impending gang war.

Anybody else interested in some good clashin’ is going to walk away from this article with empty hands. It’s all hypotheticals. Literally nothing has happened yet.

I checked, even though an article that contradicts its headline IN THE VERY FIRST PARAGRAPH doesn’t really deserve to be read in full.

But my buddy sent it and, man, I can’t just ignore them.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood newsreader.