Scientific measurement of “Macho”
Published by marco on
Did Somebody Say Macho? by Zack 'Geist Editor' Parsons (Something Awful) takes on the daunting task of creating an objective scale determining any given person’s “Macho-ness”.
The macho-factor is a 2-dimensional matrix defined along the Swayze-Eastwood Axis and the Shatner-Kressley Axis (Kressley is the dude from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, who, apparently, is the cultural opposite of a guy who “was probably watching re-runs of “TJ Hooker” when his wife drowned in the pool”).
There is, of course, a helpful questionnaire to help you find your own place in the chart. There are two sections, one each for determining your co-ordinates on the two axes.
Here’s a sample question from the Swayze-Eastwood Axis:
When you see a beautiful woman you…
- Point at her and make the noise from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. (+0)
- Introduce yourself politely. (-1)
- Make sure your erection is visible through your clinging unitard and adjust your sweatband in preparation for an introductory dance. (-3)
- Stare at her until she says “what?” and then reply “It’s not going to suck itself.” (+1)
- Light a match on your facial stubble and casually throw the lit match into her flammable whore hair. (+3)
I know it’s not right, but (4) had me rolling on the floor.