Drinking guidelines for the holidays

Drinking Responsibly During the Holidays (The Onion) is a list of rules for kids of all ages:

• If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
• Always drink from the bottle labeled “XXX.” The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.
• Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody’s bullshit.
• Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it’s impossible.
• If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.
• Never drink with Tyler Schneeklov.
• While standing in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. yelling expletives at your ex-girlfriend, wear light-colored clothing so motorists can see you.
• Once you get married and have kids, stop drinking tons of whiskey and switch to drinking tons of wine.
• Always re-cap your flask between swigs. This lengthens the amount of time between drinks.
• Don’t mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.
• Don’t drink and drive. Disregard this if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.
• If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.
• Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.
• Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one.