New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly (The Onion) does it again with another article that will probably end up coming true before November. Now here’s a spot I’d like to see:

“A controversial 30-second TV spot for Kerry that aired throughout the Midwest Monday blamed the country’s ills not on Bush’s policies, but on the “sheer stupidity” of America’s voters.”

The Bush team fights back with:

“‘Are you going to vote for a candidate whose campaign promises would cost America $1.9 trillion over the... [More]”

1. You immediately complain that this should be subscripted as zero.
2. Most people say “Go To Hell,” but you tell people to redirect to /dev/null.
3. By the time you’ve gotten here in the document, you’ve run Tidy or a similar app to check my X/HTML skills.
4. The statement (0x2b||!0x2b) makes sense to you.
5. You find 4 funny.
6. You note with disgust that it always evaluates to true, since 0x2b != 0.
7. Point 6 disgusts you, because under languages other than C++ (e.g. Java), it would throw an exception,... [More]

Did Somebody Say Macho? by Zack 'Geist Editor' Parsons (Something Awful) takes on the daunting task of creating an objective scale determining any given person’s “Macho-ness”.

The macho-factor is a 2-dimensional matrix defined along the Swayze-Eastwood Axis and the Shatner-Kressley Axis (Kressley is the dude from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, who, apparently, is the cultural opposite of a guy who “was probably watching re-runs of “TJ Hooker” when his wife drowned in the pool”).

There is, of course, a helpful questionnaire to help you find... [More]

Here’s Aaron McGruder’s helpful contribution to Bush’s re-election strategy. This is the Boondocks from March 22 − March 27.

I know it’s too late for Saint Patrick’s Day, but here it is anyway. Some of you can probably use it any day of the week.

Feet cold and wet.

• problem − Glass being held at incorrect angle.
• solution − Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.

• problem − Improper bladder control.
• solution − Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

• problem − Glass empty.
• solution − Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite... [More]

Why is it that so many people in America believe in it, right or wrong?

They’re taught to from a very young age.

Installment 28 (MNFTIU) made me laugh, but in a sad way.

Installment 30 (MNFTIU) just made me laugh. Quoting that is waaaayyyy easier than poking holes in Bush’s space plans myself. I’m reproducing choice quotes below just to have them, but I’d browse to the link so you can see the little office dude in a space helmet delivering the lines.

“
Wait a minute … how are we gonna get to Mars?

“Check it out — we’re going to build a base on the moon! Then we’ll literally FLY TO MARS!!! In space!

“And we all have to... [More]”

The most amazing practical joke was perpetrated over New Year’s. Friends foil Olympia man’s home (The Olympian) shows pictures of an apartment completely, and I mean completely, covered in aluminum foil.

The pranksters covered doors, door framers, the toilet, everything … they even:

• “unrolled the toilet paper in the bathroom, enveloped the bath tissue in aluminum foil and rolled it back up again”
• “used foil to encircle Kirk’s spare change — each individual quarter he had left atop a living room bookshelf”
• “overed... [More]”

Drinking Responsibly During the Holidays (The Onion) is a list of rules for kids of all ages:

• If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
• Always drink from the bottle labeled “XXX.” The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.
• Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody’s bullshit.
• Drinking more than seven nights a week is not... [More]

…Harvard Feminist Goes Off Half-Cocked… on Plastic is about repression on campus. A bunch of people on campus tore down a “nine foot tall snow-phallus on university grounds” (Harvard, if you must know). It was mostly women irate that it was “offensive because it was pornographic”; offended because “[a]s a feminist, pornography is degrading to women and creates a violent atmosphere”. Whatever that means. I’m not being flip. That is an honest evaluation of the intellectual content of that... [More]

From today’s Onion:

“Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever”

“ROCHESTER, MN − Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. “My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process,” the awesome Gruber said. “What’s more, the bacon’s positive effects are... [More]”

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.

The first began: “Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England.”

The second replied: “That’s nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics.”

The third said: “A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on... [More]

XXX!!! See Horny Teens Hide Weapons Of Mass Destruction!!! XXX!!! onPlastic announces that the US has been spamming Iraqi citizens for the last month, causing Iraq to “disable Internet access for the entire country”. Below is a sample of these emails, captured and presented by Plastic poster, Chatsubo.

“Texan Unable To Trick NASA Into Hauling Old Washing Machine Off Lawn”

New For Christmas: Do Me Barbie, found on Plastic, tells of FAO Schwarz’s refreshing departure from classic, fully-dressed barbies. This is a great idea and should prove very educational for young ladies wondering what assets they need to get ahead. Ahem. As if the size 38DDD rack Barbie has traditionally sported isn’t indication enough. Now, she pulls out all stops as she “exudes a flirtatious attitude in her heavenly merry widow bustier ensemble accented with intricate lace and matching... [More]”

Being a cop

1. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
3. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
4. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
5. All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.
6. If you... [More]

Andrew Lipson’s LEGO® Page has some pretty amazing creations, chiefly his recreations of some of M.C. Escher’s works. You can see “Ascending and Descending” to the right.

I guess while we’re at it, you can check out this site with computer-generated art. It’s very difficult to tell the difference on some of these. The whole site is tightly linked together and takes you seemingly randomly from one ‘painting’ to the next.

So one of these is taking impossible art and trying to make physical... [More]

Bookworm Hi ScorePut your vast vocabulary to good use with this cool Java game from PopCap Games called Bookworm. It’s a Java game where you have to select words like in a word jumble. The more letters in a word, the more points and so on. Hard-to-use letters have higher value. If you link a few longer words together, you’ll be granted gold or green blocks, which multiply the value of the word score. If you link too many short words (like 3 or 4 letters), you’ll get flaming blocks that eat through one letter... [More]

Seanbaby’s been on vacation/hiatus or in hiding almost as long as Osama, but I found him. He’s not updating his own site anymore because he’s writing for The Wave, “The Bay Area’s Best Entertainment Mag…Ever”. In fact, I just found his latest article, Video Review: Turkish Star Trek, in which he notes:

“The teleportation effects are, like all Turkish special effects, a strange combination of retarded and rad. The four men stand as still as possible while the camera goes out of focus. Ten... [More]”

I was just kicking around Snopes the other day and found this transcript. Snopes is an urban legend tracking site and has discredited the veracity of this incident, but it’s pretty funny nonetheless.

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degreesto the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians:... [More]

This web site, GWBush.com is the unnofficial George Bush homepage. The best part is the stickers section in the store, where you can find beauties like:

1. “Regime Change” Starts at Home
2. Democracy was getting old anyway
3. Don’t Blame Me, My Vote Didn’t Count
4. Vote Republican — it’s easier than thinking!
5. If you can read this, you’re not the president
6. I wasn’t using my civil liberties anyway
7. George W. Bush: America’s Last President

…and finally, my personal favorite:

“Bush — born on third... [More]”

If you dig the Pixar movies, then check out the trailer for Finding Nemo, hosted at Apple. I’m not really sure what the story is about — it looks like two fish trying to find one of their sons, surprising named “Nemo” — but it’s a sure bet it has a happy ending. It seems Pixar has found another venue in which to show off its technical prowess. In Monsters, Inc. it was Sully’s fur that stole the show, technologically; this time, it’s the underwater environment that will blow you away. In the... [More]

I know, I’ve written about the WhiteHouse.Org site before, providing select links that really stand out, but whoever is writing this site has really hit his/her stride at this point. Perhaps it’s because of all the juicy news tidbits available these days, perhaps because the target of ridicule is so big; whatever the case, the “press releases” by “The President” are just hilarious. It’s almost scary how much they sound like what we all know he wants to sound like in that malignant tumor posing... [More]

Writing With Elvish Fonts is, believe it or not, a page put up by one Daniel Smith, someone who apparently has enough free time to create TrueType™ fonts for the main elvish scripts from Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.

“This guide aims to give an introduction to using fonts for writing with the Tengwar, an Elvish writing system in J. R. R. Tolkien’s novels. In The Lord of the Rings the Tengwar can be seen in the inscription on the One Ring and the text on the West Gate of Moria.”

The font files... [More]

The World’s Funniest Joke — Official at Yahoo News gives us the end result of the “largest-ever scientific study into humor”. The study was based in Britain, and their home page is at Laugh Lab, which seems to be down at the moment. After “[m]ore than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques”, they came up with the following (which I think is pretty good…these studies tend to find the most lame jokes):

“Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem... [More]”

If hackers ruled the world at Security Database’s forums is a pretty funny post of Photoshopped images modified to show an eerie alternate reality in which Hacker-Speak has replaced English everywhere. My favorites are the first one (with a hacker-friendly epitath) and the one shown at left, which is pretty funny if you play any online multiplayer games (especially Quake, Counterstrike, etc.).

Here’s a little skit in Flash about the lives of two sample containers in a doctor’s office. It’s called Samples and is hosted on Crapbox.

Warning: Austin Powers/American Pie-like humor contained within.

Paul Oakenfold is a composer/songwriter/DJ who’s made a lot of albums, mixes and has a pretty distinctive sound. With the help of the Paul Oakenfold Sequencer at BBC, you can try your hand at putting together a Paul Oakenfold-like mix. The mixer has 5 drum loops, 11 synth sounds, 4 special FX and 5 vocals to choose from. The mixer has 4 tracks with for as many tracks as you like (I saw over 600 slots available).

You can save up to 5 tracks for yourself and send them around to friends. The link... [More]