From today’s Onion:

“Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever”

“ROCHESTER, MN − Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. “My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process,” the awesome Gruber said. “What’s more, the bacon’s positive effects are... [More]”

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.

The first began: “Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England.”

The second replied: “That’s nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics.”

The third said: “A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on... [More]

XXX!!! See Horny Teens Hide Weapons Of Mass Destruction!!! XXX!!! onPlastic announces that the US has been spamming Iraqi citizens for the last month, causing Iraq to “disable Internet access for the entire country”. Below is a sample of these emails, captured and presented by Plastic poster, Chatsubo.

“Texan Unable To Trick NASA Into Hauling Old Washing Machine Off Lawn”

New For Christmas: Do Me Barbie, found on Plastic, tells of FAO Schwarz’s refreshing departure from classic, fully-dressed barbies. This is a great idea and should prove very educational for young ladies wondering what assets they need to get ahead. Ahem. As if the size 38DDD rack Barbie has traditionally sported isn’t indication enough. Now, she pulls out all stops as she “exudes a flirtatious attitude in her heavenly merry widow bustier ensemble accented with intricate lace and matching... [More]”

Being a cop

1. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
3. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
4. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
5. All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.
6. If you... [More]

Andrew Lipson’s LEGO® Page has some pretty amazing creations, chiefly his recreations of some of M.C. Escher’s works. You can see “Ascending and Descending” to the right.

I guess while we’re at it, you can check out this site with computer-generated art. It’s very difficult to tell the difference on some of these. The whole site is tightly linked together and takes you seemingly randomly from one ‘painting’ to the next.

So one of these is taking impossible art and trying to make physical... [More]

Bookworm Hi ScorePut your vast vocabulary to good use with this cool Java game from PopCap Games called Bookworm. It’s a Java game where you have to select words like in a word jumble. The more letters in a word, the more points and so on. Hard-to-use letters have higher value. If you link a few longer words together, you’ll be granted gold or green blocks, which multiply the value of the word score. If you link too many short words (like 3 or 4 letters), you’ll get flaming blocks that eat through one letter... [More]

Seanbaby’s been on vacation/hiatus or in hiding almost as long as Osama, but I found him. He’s not updating his own site anymore because he’s writing for The Wave, “The Bay Area’s Best Entertainment Mag…Ever”. In fact, I just found his latest article, Video Review: Turkish Star Trek, in which he notes:

“The teleportation effects are, like all Turkish special effects, a strange combination of retarded and rad. The four men stand as still as possible while the camera goes out of focus. Ten... [More]”

I was just kicking around Snopes the other day and found this transcript. Snopes is an urban legend tracking site and has discredited the veracity of this incident, but it’s pretty funny nonetheless.

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degreesto the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians:... [More]

This web site, GWBush.com is the unnofficial George Bush homepage. The best part is the stickers section in the store, where you can find beauties like:

1. “Regime Change” Starts at Home
2. Democracy was getting old anyway
3. Don’t Blame Me, My Vote Didn’t Count
4. Vote Republican — it’s easier than thinking!
5. If you can read this, you’re not the president
6. I wasn’t using my civil liberties anyway
7. George W. Bush: America’s Last President

…and finally, my personal favorite:

“Bush — born on third... [More]”

If you dig the Pixar movies, then check out the trailer for Finding Nemo, hosted at Apple. I’m not really sure what the story is about — it looks like two fish trying to find one of their sons, surprising named “Nemo” — but it’s a sure bet it has a happy ending. It seems Pixar has found another venue in which to show off its technical prowess. In Monsters, Inc. it was Sully’s fur that stole the show, technologically; this time, it’s the underwater environment that will blow you away. In the... [More]

I know, I’ve written about the WhiteHouse.Org site before, providing select links that really stand out, but whoever is writing this site has really hit his/her stride at this point. Perhaps it’s because of all the juicy news tidbits available these days, perhaps because the target of ridicule is so big; whatever the case, the “press releases” by “The President” are just hilarious. It’s almost scary how much they sound like what we all know he wants to sound like in that malignant tumor posing... [More]

Writing With Elvish Fonts is, believe it or not, a page put up by one Daniel Smith, someone who apparently has enough free time to create TrueType™ fonts for the main elvish scripts from Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.

“This guide aims to give an introduction to using fonts for writing with the Tengwar, an Elvish writing system in J. R. R. Tolkien’s novels. In The Lord of the Rings the Tengwar can be seen in the inscription on the One Ring and the text on the West Gate of Moria.”

The font files... [More]

The World’s Funniest Joke — Official at Yahoo News gives us the end result of the “largest-ever scientific study into humor”. The study was based in Britain, and their home page is at Laugh Lab, which seems to be down at the moment. After “[m]ore than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques”, they came up with the following (which I think is pretty good…these studies tend to find the most lame jokes):

“Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem... [More]”

If hackers ruled the world at Security Database’s forums is a pretty funny post of Photoshopped images modified to show an eerie alternate reality in which Hacker-Speak has replaced English everywhere. My favorites are the first one (with a hacker-friendly epitath) and the one shown at left, which is pretty funny if you play any online multiplayer games (especially Quake, Counterstrike, etc.).

Here’s a little skit in Flash about the lives of two sample containers in a doctor’s office. It’s called Samples and is hosted on Crapbox.

Warning: Austin Powers/American Pie-like humor contained within.

Paul Oakenfold is a composer/songwriter/DJ who’s made a lot of albums, mixes and has a pretty distinctive sound. With the help of the Paul Oakenfold Sequencer at BBC, you can try your hand at putting together a Paul Oakenfold-like mix. The mixer has 5 drum loops, 11 synth sounds, 4 special FX and 5 vocals to choose from. The mixer has 4 tracks with for as many tracks as you like (I saw over 600 slots available).

You can save up to 5 tracks for yourself and send them around to friends. The link... [More]

All Too Flat is hosting a unique search service called Google Mirror. Everything on the page is reversed, including the results page, if you get any. You have to type in your search result backwards too. You have to try it see how trippy it is to use a web page backwards. After a while, you’ll start to be able to read it just fine. Or not.

Serious Lego is dedicated to inventions using the “Lego Mindstorms” robot-building kits. This person, JP Brown has built the most incredible creatures using just Legos and the Mindstorms kits. One of the more impressive ones is the CubeSolver, which uses a WebCam and custom color-recognition software written in C++ and VB5 that solves a standard 3x3x3 Rubik’s Cube by itself!

There are a lot of other models on this site, including K9, a dog that plays fetch, HanoiSolver, a robot that solves the... [More]

Serious LegoAndrew Lipson has a site of Lego sculptures, of which some are Mathematical Lego (TM) Sculptures. It’s pretty stunning what people do with Legos out there, and there are a lot of fan sites. Henry Lim’s Lego Sculptures has a Stegosaurus that stands about 5 feet high. Another guy, Eric Harshbarger, built a desk out of legos. A lot of these guys use the tools and community found at LDraw, where you can find CAD-like tools for designing LEGO structure without the bricks.

Received through email.

A friend told me the following story about a former Enron accountant who gave up his CPA position to become a farmer. The first thing he decided to do was to buy a mule.

He dickers with a local farmer at the general store, and they agree that the local will sell the accountant a mule for $100. The Enron accountant gives the man $100 cash, and the man agrees to deliver the mule the next day.

Next morning, the man shows up at the Enron accountant’s place without the... [More]

They Might Be Giants has a web site promoting their new album, No!, The First Album for the Whole Family. It has 30 seconds of each track on the album, 4 of which are accompanied by very cute little joyful games to play along with the music. The robot one is my favorite. Pass the mouse over the little ones and they wave their flags; click on them and they take off and land with parachutes. Click on the big robot to make him do stuff; his armpits shoot off fireworks. The No! one is pretty good... [More]

Here’s a humorous Flash film by Bruno Bozzetto in english and italian showing the pitfalls of driving by the rules. It’s called Yes & No, a dyseducational road movie. It shows several common driving situations with an aggressive solution (Yes) and a defensive solution (No!). It ends with the epithet: “Tell me how you drive and I’ll tell you what kind of idiot you are”.

I got this in email the other day. It seems like a good one that’s been around for a while, but the names are pretty interchangeable (depending on your affiliation, of course). I was too lazy to choose more neutral names, though; with this group, there’s no way to twist it my liking.

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe.

While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it... [More]

The Onion has the latest from venerable columnist Jim Anchower: a rant about movies called What the Hell is Wrong with Movies These Days?. His review of Star Wars is particularly scathing and hilarious:

“I saw the new Star Wars movie, and even that blew. I mean, yeah, there were some great space scenes, and you get to watch Yoda fight with a light saber, but as soon as the weed wore off, the whole thing just dragged. The love story was totally sappy, and there were all these long, boring scenes... [More]”

SatireWire just published Arabs Slyly Building Wall Around Israel in response to a Yahoo News article Israel Begins Work on West Bank Fence. Yahoo claims the Israeli efforts are “aimed at protecting Israelis from Palestinian suicide bombers”, but SatireWire claims that they are “unwittingly footing the bill to construct the first stage of an 800-mile-long wall meant to seal off the entire state of Israel from everyone else.”

Go read the SatireWire article for the full story.

Worth 1000, a website that holds Photoshop contests, has a good one called Best Friends. It’s a contest to come up with the best picture showing Arafat and Sharon as “best friends”.

The White House has issued a new set of 6 posters created to help Americans through this trying time.

“Attention American Citizens! You stand hereby directed to prove your patriotism by printing out hundreds of the wartime morale posters below, and distributing them widely throughout your community!”

Anyone not joining in will be determined to be an “Arabiac”, as described in John Ashscroft’s latest press release, Attorney general ashcroft announces new hospitality measures for arabiac immigrants... [More]

Motion Playground has a Ski Stunt Simulator on their Games page. There’s a Java version that you can play online, trying out the ‘kicker jump’, ‘the wall’, ‘crash and burn’, ‘practice’. ‘Practice’ is good for just trying flips:

front flip

lean back and down, then move forward quickly; the mouse should make a horizontal line to the right, then back to center

back flip

lean forward and down and then move back and up quickly; the mouse should make a counter-clockwise C-shape

Those are my... [More]